This last week was just horrible. A week ago today I layed next to my grandfather who was about to die; kissing his head, telling him I loved him, telling him how he was like a father to me, telling him it was ok to let go (yes mom, when everyone left the room I spilled my guts to him). Just before that some other things happened that made me want to scream at God. So, Thursday we mourned a loss, Friday we had a church service and tomorrow we will go to the Veterns cemetery for the final service. I have actually been thinking about this day for some time now, years maybe, because there is a beauty in an Armed Forces funeral. I am also dreading it, the whole flag thing is hard to see when it is on T.V. and fake nevermind my grandfather.
So, I don't think my mind has caught up to reality yet. My grandfather is dead, the man that practically raised me, the man that made sure I was fed before school, the man that had an open door policy to his home for us and all of our friends. He's gone, he's not going to just be there anymore. He's not going to be there to smile that giant smile at my sons when we show up at the house. But I can only be so sad. I seem to cry a few tears and then it's over. I feel like I am going to breakdown one day and scream "F*CK, my grandfather is dead". I have had this feeling before, Vinnie having Down syndrome is the same way. Am I going to one day realize that he really DOES have Down syndrome? I KNOW he has it but shouldn't I be more upset? Shouldn't I be depressed and withdrawn? Shouldn't I be asking why me? What if these two realities hit me at the same time? I sure hope I am not driving, especially in any type of traffic. I am starting to feel anxious waiting for myself to explode or perhaps implode.