Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Today they buried my grandfather. At the entrance of the Veterans cemetery the words "The price of freedom is seen here"(or something very close to this), just that winded me. I took a video of the Guard taking and carrying the casket from the hearse to the building. Grandmas words after this were "that was really nice, Adam would've enjoyed that" and he would've. He was very proud to have served in the Air Force. I will copy a letter that a Korean soldier gave him the day he was coming home from the Korean war, it basically said that my grandfather was the greatest man America could have...how true those words are.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


This last week was just horrible. A week ago today I layed next to my grandfather who was about to die; kissing his head, telling him I loved him, telling him how he was like a father to me, telling him it was ok to let go (yes mom, when everyone left the room I spilled my guts to him). Just before that some other things happened that made me want to scream at God. So, Thursday we mourned a loss, Friday we had a church service and tomorrow we will go to the Veterns cemetery for the final service. I have actually been thinking about this day for some time now, years maybe, because there is a beauty in an Armed Forces funeral. I am also dreading it, the whole flag thing is hard to see when it is on T.V. and fake nevermind my grandfather.

So, I don't think my mind has caught up to reality yet. My grandfather is dead, the man that practically raised me, the man that made sure I was fed before school, the man that had an open door policy to his home for us and all of our friends. He's gone, he's not going to just be there anymore. He's not going to be there to smile that giant smile at my sons when we show up at the house. But I can only be so sad. I seem to cry a few tears and then it's over. I feel like I am going to breakdown one day and scream "F*CK, my grandfather is dead". I have had this feeling before, Vinnie having Down syndrome is the same way. Am I going to one day realize that he really DOES have Down syndrome? I KNOW he has it but shouldn't I be more upset? Shouldn't I be depressed and withdrawn? Shouldn't I be asking why me? What if these two realities hit me at the same time? I sure hope I am not driving, especially in any type of traffic. I am starting to feel anxious waiting for myself to explode or perhaps implode.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


I sat at the table with my mother and my aunt. They were praising me for making sure there was a meal each night since the first of family had arrived on Monday. To me cooking is nothing, it's what I know how to do. Maybe it's how I "deal". We all have a role in the family. So we chatted more and we began to talk about how Tony is the "speaker", we all wish we could read a eulogy. So then I told them about my recent blog entry about the memories of grandpa and how at the end it changes, the most recent stuff I remember is not the fun stuff, it's not pretty. Then my mother said something about how as time goes on you start to put those great memories aside, they get pushed back for a while until they get tapped. A couple nights ago they were tapped, my sister and I sat and talked about all of the fun things grandpa did with us, his quirks, his temper, his love, his selflessness. So now I wonder, if I had to write a eulogy how many people would "get" it? I know Karen and Eugene would laugh and cry and understand every word I wrote. I can only capture a small part of his life. That's all, just random thoughts I guess.


Today I will dress my boys in cute little outfits, my family will look daper. Today we will hold and comfort eachother. Today will most likely make it all "Real" to many of us. Today I fear might change the younger grandchildren, burn an image into their young minds. Today will be full of "I'm sorry" and tears. I imagine that today grandpa will be looking down on us smiling at his family and friends gathering in his honor (and shedding all the sympathy they can...this was his thing!). Today a peice of my childhood dies.....

Monday, September 22, 2008


I attribute a lot of things to my grandfather, my love for cooking and family, a knack for fishing, a temper that could erupt in seconds.

Memories are abundant when I think of him, Joy in the faces of family when sitting around at Thanksgiving dinner or opening up stockings to find beef jerky, nuts and pepperoni. Fishing with the Nelsons or Eugene from next door. Trips to the recycling place where we would try to trick the scales to get more money. The smell of Juicy Fruit gum. The comb over. Picnics and parties. Tree forts and swing sets cooler than any kid on the block had. Trips to the beach with fake labels for his beers. Duct tape. Dinner at 6pm, don’t be late. A warm car on snowy mornings. Paper mache pancakes. Christmas lights laced with barbed wire. Pumpkins wired to railings. A garden full of vegetables. And then, we grew up and time doesn’t stop. We grew older and so did he, then the memories were canes and dialysis. Slips and bruises. Pacemakers. Walkers and wheelchairs. A jolly man to a frail one. The garden got smaller, the pool taken down. Christmas lights went from the Griswalds to a strand or two. So, I held his hand and kissed his head and prayed for God to take him quickly and painlessly. I know he will want to go fishing and look over Thanksgiving dinners. And heavens garden will have a plethora of tomatoes. The children will be in awe of all he can do, that jolly man who smells like Juicy Fruit gum.

Rest in peace Padu.

Say hello to Lynn for me and do lots of fishing, I know you probably miss that! I'm happy that the pain is gone. When I come Home we will take a walk and talk about life. I will miss you so much.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

as if the sucker punch wasn't hard enough

thanks again God for kicking me while I'm down. Please take my grandfather peacefully, he's suffered enough. Give me this one thing PLEASE!

Dear God,

You let me down and I can handle that. I can see past my own desires and dreams and tell myself that you have a plan for me, for us. But can you stop slapping me in the face with it? I'm getting tired and worn out. Can you just let me stay above for a while? Are you there? Can you hear me? Can you feel me? I am the one aching, hiding, silently sobbing.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Monday, September 15, 2008


Woo hoo! Get the aquanet! I totally got it wrong, Tiffany will be preforming at the Big E the 22nd and 26th at 3pm and again at 8pm!! Fun times!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Conversations with Rudy

This morning I had the great JOY of having both my boys in bed with me. It was me, then Vinnie and next to Vinnie was Rudy. This is how the conversation went

Rudy: I love him
Me: He loves you
Rudy: Mom
Me: Yeah bud?
Rudy: I really REALLY love him
Me: You're very sweet buddy, don't pull his fingers backwards
Rudy: (while rubbing his head against Vinnie's head) He's me BIG brother
Me: No Rudy, he's your little brother
Rudy: Oh yeah. He's my baby
Vinnie: Bah bah bah pllll
Rudy: I love you mommy

You think Vinnie has a lifetime buddy? I sure hope so!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Big E!

Yum! And that's all I have to say about that. Ok, not really. We will be there as much as possible to hang out with daddy and see the animals. And if for some strange reason you happen to have a motorized scooter thingy that I could borrow please let me know, it could make someone very happy...I think.

I should be getting the DS Buddy Walk letters out soon and don't forget if you can have a donation bucket at your work let me know (Nana Lou, I have one for you). Registration at 10am, walk at 11am.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Dearest ______,

Your most recent mail was just obnoxious. I can only do so much and after much thought and searching I have found that opening up to you does more harm than good. I am looked upon as a lunatic for having feelings about my son having Down syndrome and the way the world reacts to and treats people with disabilities. I dare you to be me for a day and see what it's like. Try dealing with the inner most emotions of raising a child with special needs and have someone on your case about the most infintile things, dragging your husband away from you to do stupid chores while you are home dealing with a toddler and a new baby (with Down syndrome!!), a house that is incomplete, therapies, doctor appointments, the unknowns of the future all while running a house and raising a family. Step into my shoes for just a day and then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know if the e-mail pity party for yourself needed to be sent to me? Grow up.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Update on today.

We had a great time in the "treatment" room. Kind of strange having a room FULL of people, no curtains or anything...did I say FULL yet? OMG! FULL! I think it went pretty well but I am not the patient. I am hoping that Becki continues to feel good or even OK through out the next few weeks. Since she is receiving a doses every 4 weeks and I believe a smaller dose they (the nurses) say she probably won't have a lot of the common side effects. Keep on praying! Blood test September 12th, 15th and 18th. Neurologist 22nd? And next dose October 3rd.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Tomorrow I will go with Becki to her first chemotherapy treatment. We have Mad Libs, Family Feud, and a couple puzzle books to keep us occupied. We are hoping NOT to get kicked out for being obnoxious but you just never know with us. Please remember to pray that everything goes smoothly and this helps slow down the progress of the disease. We might start a blog about MS and chemotherapy which would be nothing but hilarious coming from the two of us. I'm sure that this will come up in conversation tomorrow so keep an eye out for it!! Thanks for supporting her (and me) and for all your prayers!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Guess what...

This is Rudy's newest thing. Guess what is followed by nurmerous things usually something about the day or what he has in his hand or what's on TV. My favorite is "California". He has just started "chicken butt".

Monday, September 1, 2008