From March 31st, 2008

Monday, March 31, 2008

Three things/feelings I will NEVER forget
Current mood: blessed

1. When Rudy was about 3 months old we were living at my mother in laws while we fixed up our new home. We went out shopping, starting at Bed Bath and Beyond where Rudy got cranky (he was a colicky baby) so we held him until he fell asleep and then back into his car seat that snapped into his stroller. Next stop was mattress shopping at Bob’s (Bobopedic!!), we got there and as I was getting the stroller out, Jayson was getting the car seat. I heard a coconut hit the ground and immediately knew it was my son. We never strapped him back into his car seat, he had blankets over him and it just never happened. We jumped into the car and raced to Baystate Hospital, jumping curbs, blowing lights and going into oncoming traffic to get there. He had a fractured skull but nothing else and was fine. So, number one is the sound of my sons head cracking on the asphalt. It replays often and my body shakes everytime.

2. Vinnie, 4 days old. We were still at Cooley Dickinson Hospital and he was in the nursery with oxygen hooked up. I was rooming there (thank goodness they have that option!) and they were calling me when it was time to nurse him (if I wasn’t there already). So on February 9th about 11pm I was called, I peed and set off to the nursery where upon turning the corner I see all the nurses running towards the side of the room where Vinnie was (he was there usually by himself, no other babies on that side) and them yelling to get the doctor stat. A pure panic had obviously overcome everyone and before I could get into the room to see my son a nurse rushed me into my room and basically left me there. I walked out into the hallway after frantically calling my husband to rush to the hospital. I was numb not knowing what was going on with my newborn son. That feeling is 2, I will never forget the helpless feeling, not knowing if my newborn baby was going to live.

3. At Baystate, Monday February 11th. It was about 9:30 pm, Jayson and I were getting ready to leave the NICU to get Rudy and head home. The doctor came over and went over the echo of the heart that they had done earlier along with other tests. She explained that everything went well and then went on to tell us something like this "there is one test though that came back positive and that was his Trisomy 21..." at that moment my heart sunk, I knew he had Down syndrome but to hear it was something totally different. I still cry when I hear it in my head, I am crying now...one single tear falls for the son we expected, the "perfect child". But that is all that will ever fall because, he is perfect. Every extra chromosome in his body is perfect. His flabby neck known as the nuchal fold is perfect. His little, lowset ears are perfect. His low muscle tone body that is so warm right now in my arms is perfect. And when he gets older and reaches any milestone at any pace it will be perfect, just the way it was meant to be. So, 3 is that feeling of finally finding out what I already knew, the words spoken by the doctor that cut so deep with such pain but lasted just a few moments.